state of mind

hello everyone!
yes, yes, i know...
i'm getting off track again!
i should work on that! but
i warned you all that i
was random and all over the place
with my thoughts. yippee! lol!

i don't think by now it's
a surprise to anyone that i'm still in
school. bleh. i have been attending
a community college and
going to school online until i
knew i could transfer back to
university.

it's been about 9 years
since i've last attended the university.
it's crazy! why i took so
long to go back? i honestly don't
have a legitimate excuse.
i just don't know.
i could say it's because of my full-time job,
but i don't think it was that, either.

but here i am, physically back
in a classroom. i felt so strange.
not happy, not mad.
more like a mindset of "let me do what i
need to to get out of here faster."

i admit that i was afraid. and still am.
afraid of failing like the first time
i was there. i am still afraid of
possibly giving up again.
i never thought i would make it
this far. back to a place that i
just talked about out loud.
and here it is. put right in front of me.

maybe i'm just putting a lot of pressure
on myself to be successful and
to not give up again.
but that's all i know so far.
this is just the beginning of what
could be. i hope there's some fight left in me.
i'm trying and that's good enough for now.