chasing dreams

i have some sad, sad news to bear.
and i have so many mixed emotions about it.
i wasn't sure if i wanted to
write about it, but i figured i should.
to help me cope. i won't get into
detail because it's my personal issue,
but it cut pretty deep, given the circumstances.
i just wanted it so bad. and now a
new obstacle has risen.

i found out about two weeks ago...
my job will not allow me to
flex to go to school, as i have been doing.
i leave during the day to go to
school and make up the time throughout the
week, so as to not burn up all my pto.
this has thrown my whole
graduation schedule off course.

i don't want to prolong something
that needed to be done awhile ago. it was
my time to really put my best
foot forward and kick school in the ass.
i was already very hesitant to go back
because of the full time job and
being married. this news just doesn't help that :[

everyone is telling me, it'll
work out for the best. and i'm sure
it will, but it's still hurt a little
to know that the place i
chose for employment is technically
not backing me up. i mean, i
get it, there are hr issues and bleh,
blah, bleh. not getting into it again.
but, it makes me feel
very unappreciated. and they always say how
great of a worker i am. i don't need
bad news to be sugar coated, thank you.

i worked my tailfin off to get
back into that school.
and i'm so close to being done that it
just stings that much more.
i cried uncontrollably at work for an
hour after i heard the news.
because as much as i would love to,
quitting irrationally isn't very smart.
as a "great worker" i will try to work with it

i understand that this is partially
my own fault because i didn't
succeed the first time at school.
but i was on the road to recovery. redemption.
maybe that's why it's so upsetting.
because it feels like another failure.
like it's not meant to be or i don't know.
things keep falling in my path.
and i just don't know how much strength
i have in me to push those boulders
out of my way to clear it so i can walk through.

i feel like i'm chasing fireflies.
they're right there. glowing, beautiful,
and within reach. but when i reach
for it... i come out empty-handed and
it flies away. my
dreams are the same. i reach for
them, stretch out as far as
i can, and only graze the edges.
i only get a sensation, not the whole experience.