not so good at the whole friendship thing

i've never been good at being someone's friend.
maybe that's the reason why i can't
really say i have all that many.
it's not so much me as a person, but more like
it's always me that has to initiate conversation
and it's always me that has to suggest something.
i know. i know it sounds so selfish.
it's so true though... i want to be the one invited
sometimes and i want to be the one who is relaxed
and waiting for someone to talk to me first.

i've never truly ever kept a friend. we're all sort
of just acquaintances now, we just say hi when we see each
other and converse through social media, that's it.

i don't know. maybe it's the whole 'going out and
partying' that i've messed up on. is that what i need
to do in order to keep a friend? but why does it always have
to resort to that kind of thing? why can't we have
lunch or something? it's not exactly fun but it is something.

i do wish i did have a best friend. really.
it feels like such an important part of a woman's life.

depriving?

a part of me feels like i'm
missing out on a part of life that everyone
should experience because i don't really
like to go out and party.
i don't like to get drunk. but i do
drink leisurely from time to time.
yes, i am one of those stay-at-home kind of people.
i have gone out before once, it's just not me.
it's not who i am. it was enjoyable.
but not something i can do all the time.

i do feel like i am depriving chris of everything
he used to love too. maybe that's why i
feel so guilty about never wanting to go out.
not that he loves bars or anything, but he used to love
to dance and he was pretty outgoing. he likes to
stay home with me and the dog now.
i feel like i stripped him of the person he was.
and that's another part of me that i can't let go of,
i can't forgive myself for it.

i know the solution is easy and right in front of me,
let him go out either with or without friends and
go out on the town with him, sometimes.
it's hard for me to want to though, since
like i said, i don't really feel like it's my scene.
we'll work it out. he said he's fine the way things are.
i trust him, but maybe we really can work it out.